Postpartum Ride

Moms, from all corners of the world, will always remember the feeling after having given birth. Whether it's their first child or their last...I think it's imprinted in their minds what ride that they have gone through postpartum. Yes, we are all in agreement that it's not in any book or manual as to what will happen and what we go through after giving birth. We all have different situations and stories and we all have different approaches to it.

If you have read my post about my birth experience, you will know that I DID NOT like the fact that I gave birth via stat CS. I HATE (yes, I use such a word) it when people (especially random people) ask me as to why I gave birth via CS.

"Ngano ka na-CS? Diba nag-Lamaze2 pa mo ni Lau?"
"Hah? Ni-abot ka ug 10cm tapos CS gihapon? Kapuy uy!"
"Deretso CS na lang unta ka kung ingon ana ra diay ang nahitabo..."
"Dako siguro kaayo ang bata noh? Mao siguro na CS ka..."

Lau and I were blessed to have had taken childbirth preparation classes with Alex, we are more blessed that my parents gave us endless and priceless tips about Lamaze (being self-taught themselves), and yes, we are blessed that my labor only lasted for about half a day and I was still able to manage the pain...riding the waves and smiling all along. All of that was worth it.

We got home from the hospital on the 30th of July, three days after D was born. I'm very thankful that my Dad and sister (Jam) made all the effort of cleaning the house before we reached home to make sure that everything was all set for D. Our house happens to have three dogs so imagine the trafficking and dynamics! I was also trying to ride the breastfeeding wagon and hoped that it'd be easier than I've anticipated.

The first 24 hours at home was a whirlwind. My mind was a blank. I was, technically, on autopilot mode. I carried D when he cried and hush him back to sleep. Latching wasn't the problem...it was positioning because of my scar. So, football hold was something that I've mastered for the next two weeks. I had this notion that my Mum and Dad were able to do it all by themselves so I should be able to do it as well, right? WRONG! I was tired, I was physically tired having gone through a major abdominal surgery and still recovering. I wanted so much to do everything that a new mom should do, because it's what we expect of ourselves, right? Sure, in the ideal world...but this is the real world.

The first month was an autopilot life for me. Of course, I had expectations of myself that I didn't do and I was frustrated. I got mad at Lau for having the peace of mind in sleeping while I was engorged, in pain of my scar and still lost at what had happened in the DR/OR. Yes, if there's anything that kept on haunting me...it was the fact that I wanted to give birth as naturally and as normally as possible...and I didn't.

I remember calling Mum a few hours after giving birth. We were already in our room and I told Lau to sleep, the time was 3:45AM. I called Mum and the first thing that came out of my mouth was, "I'm sorry Mum, I tried. I really did..." and yes, I tried to stop the tears from falling. She assured me that everything was worth it as long as D is healthy. Unknown to me, my Dad already found out that I gave birth via CS. My anesthesiologist, Doc Jean, sent D's newborn pic to Dad at early morning (2AM). I called him up after Mum and said the very same thing, Dad simply wished that he would've been there given that he was at Maragusan.

I can't really explain in the right words the feeling that I had...not being able to give birth the way that I wanted. Maybe defeated? Probably disappointed? Could be angry? I was, for the first time in a long time, at a loss for words. I knew L wanted me to talk about it...but I too...I was disappointed at myself and angry at what had happened and I felt so defeated with the situation, maybe that would be the best explanation of it all. Yes, those were my postpartum blues...well, the bulk of it anyway.

I had such a fantastic support group behind me. L was very supportive especially while D and I were mastering breastfeeding (all the positions that would make us as comfortable as possible), Mum and Dad made sure that my diet helped in my milk production, close friends sent messages of encouragement and visited us...such positive thoughts and words really helped me get through what seems to be hell for me after giving birth. I was also very thankful that my OB assured me (endlessly) that I did all that I could in order to push D out as naturally and normally as possible...

It was small successes every single day that made me survive...it's as simple as being able to sleep 4 hours straight, the three of us. Or being able to eat a full meal without D crying...those small successes that factored in a good day...those were what I counted, and those were what made me smile and made me realize that I gotta just ride it out and it'll be all okay.

Do I wanna get pregnant and give birth again? Yes! It's all about riding the waves and enjoying the journey...pregnancy, motherhood...all of it is worth it.