Pumping It Up

D's already 9 months and 13 days as of writing and he is as active as he can be! Semi-cruising and already showing signs that he's ready to let go of whatever he's holding to stand up on his own, I only have a few more months to spare before all of us will be running after him. With his constant growth, I've seen him chow down more food than I thought I could see him eat...and his milk input hasn't changed either! Love the idea that I can just pull it out and he can latch onto it, anytime and anywhere.

I've been meaning to build up a stash but since I stay home with him, laziness has come over me and pumping hasn't been a priority unless there's a need to donate some. But a few days ago, I was contacted by my former headteacher and asked me if I could start teaching again next month. I've missed teaching and if there's anything that I love to do (before I became a mom), that's teaching. I jumped to the chance and agreed to start teaching again.

My classes will start as early as noon so that would mean D will be spending the afternoon and early evening with his nanny, Yaya W. The thought of having to build a stash was already looming and quite urgent since I know that my supply would need to be reprogrammed. I wasn't too worried but I also knew that it'd be a great practice to already start the soonest.

This afternoon, I was able to find the time to actually do some sessions. I was quite surprised since I was able to pump around 3oz. during my first two sessions. I'm due for another session tonight after I post this. But with the way things are going...I'm actually happy that I'm slowly and surely building a stash. It's also perfect timing since the balloon workshop will be on the 25th of this month and I'll be away for a whole day, a stash would be perfect so that Yaya W will be relieved as well.

Such liquid gold is achievable. I'm quite glad to have the support system around me. It's not a numbers game, it's more of consistency and practice...with a whole lot of patience!

By the way...D isn't used to bottle feeding so we're skipping all those and going straight to the glass! Besides, he loves putting his mouth to the rim and feel the glass...

First Mother's Day

As this is my first Mother's Day celebration, L asked me a question that he's been asking me ever since I became pregnant, "What do you want for that special day?" Whether it be Christmas, our wedding anniversary, my birthday or Mother's Day...I'm still stumped, speechless and at a loss for words. I'm not so sure what I want...then I started thinking about a couple of new designs from GroVia or the Skip Hop bags that would look perfect on D instead of his usual diaper bag or go over the list of things that we need for D's first birthday...wait a sec, didn't he ask what I wanted for that special day? How come I couldn't think of MY wants and instead think of D's wants instead...right, I'm a mom.

Ever since I became pregnant, everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) has shifted to D. I was lucky enough to be able to enjoy perks of being single and think of no one else but me, then L and I decided to get married and we were still lucky to be able to travel to KL and SG before we got pregnant...I had a closet full (and I mean full!) of clothes and shoes...not to mention purses and bags (I even forgot that I had more bags and purses that I stashed in my sister's closet!). How quickly has my focused changed to this one little human being is beyond me...but I don't regret it nor do I miss my former self at all.

This evolution of myself has been gradual, I believe. And I think that's the beauty of being pregnant! The first trimester tells you that you are carrying someone...but it doesn't make you look like it, just feel like it (morning sickness, tummy aches). The second trimester slowly comes in and you look too full to not be pregnant but look like you ate a melon to be pregnant, I call it the ugly side since you're in the middle of the cycle! You still get to enjoy your time with your husband, family and friends! Then third trimester kicks in where you slowly ease into being a mother since the baby's obviously kicking you hard enough to constantly remind you that he's about to be born. I saw myself evolve while I was pregnant...I gave up my stilettos and wedges, clothes that hugged my body and my career as a trainer. I knew I needed to shift focus and D helped me ease into it.

"Lain na jud basta mommy na noh? Wala na'y freedom."
"Lahi na ang priority...wala na'y shopping2."
"Dili na ka ka-laag!"
"Kasayang sa trabaho nimo...sa balay na lang ka."

Yes, I have heard all of these and more! But in the end, I really don't regret resigning from my job (quite blessed that L is very supportive of me staying at home and being very hands-on with D), nor do I consider myself "trapped" because I don't get to go out anymore (D's godmother and I always have lunch dates every two weeks). Priorities do change, but that doesn't mean that I'm saddened about it. In fact, I welcome the change! I welcomed another part of me that I never thought I could actually do. Though I stay home to take care of my son, I am very blessed to have Yaya Wilma to take charge when I need to run errands or simply rest. It doesn't make me less of a mother that I'm not working in an office (being that I just take a few online classes on the side), it doesn't make me less of a mother that I have a nanny to help me (Yaya Wilma only came to us when D was 6 1/2 months), it doesn't make me less of a mother that I have prioritized him over the things that I usually do (isn't that evolution of being a woman?)...

A mother is a mother. No other labels will come out of that. It is a woman who had prepared herself for 9 months to become one. A little being grew inside her and she was tasked to take care and help him/her come out of the world. In the end, that's really just the point.

Having had the chance to meet so many moms...in the end, our babies are our life...everyone and everything else just comes in second.

My Breastfeeding Advocate Hubbie Part 2

This happens to be another experience that L shared about his advocacy for breastfeeding (yes, such a wonderful world that husbands are very vocal and supportive of such an advocacy!).

He had a customer this afternoon who was carrying her 8-month-old baby and she got her 3-year-old toddler to tag along when they were buying a motorcycle unit. Of course, heat was crazy so L told the mom to come inside the cool office so that it would make the baby feel less fussy. His staff were a little hesitant to approach the mom since she was breastfeeding her baby, L motioned the mom to sit down and he asked what unit they were looking for and all.

"Sir, okay lang ba na magpa-dede ko diri?" the mom asked.
"Okay lang ma'am. Wala'y problema na. Init pud kaayo sa gawas, basin ma-subawan ang mga bata especially ang baby, kasabot kaayo ko ana ma'am." L said respectfully, "Akong asawa man pud, gapa-dede man pud."

The mom simply smiled and L said that she felt more relaxed as she fed her baby and they were discussing about the unit that she wanted to purchase. After having purchased the unit, signed the contracts and she asked a couple of relatives to pick up the children (she was driving the motorcycle), she got onto the motorbike and left the store.

L's staff approached him and just smiled.

"Sir, dili man gud namo ma-istorya ug tarong kay gapa-dede man gud. Di mi katan-aw." one of his male staff said (probably felt a little uncomfortable breastfeeding in public).
"Sus, kung kamo gani magka-anak na pud...dili na issue na sa inyo." L said and looked at his female staff, "Kamo magka-baby, wala na'y ulaw2 kay ang pagpa-kalma sa bata ang inyong focus."
"Mao ka sir? Dili maulaw si ma'am na pa-dede sa mall?" his female staff asked.
"Ngano man pud siya maulaw? Libre na gani...maulaw pa?" L asked with a smirk, "Atong mga inahan kadtong una man gani...pa-dede lang habang manglaba, magluto ug uban pa..."

Ever since D was born, I've always breastfed him on demand and that's wherever we may be. L has been the most supportive husband by making sure that I have my sling so that my arms won't get as tired (especially when we're out and about). Kudos to the mom coz she got her baby and a toddler in tow!

Yes, moments like such make me a proud wife! You go L!

Postpartum Ride

Moms, from all corners of the world, will always remember the feeling after having given birth. Whether it's their first child or their last...I think it's imprinted in their minds what ride that they have gone through postpartum. Yes, we are all in agreement that it's not in any book or manual as to what will happen and what we go through after giving birth. We all have different situations and stories and we all have different approaches to it.

If you have read my post about my birth experience, you will know that I DID NOT like the fact that I gave birth via stat CS. I HATE (yes, I use such a word) it when people (especially random people) ask me as to why I gave birth via CS.

"Ngano ka na-CS? Diba nag-Lamaze2 pa mo ni Lau?"
"Hah? Ni-abot ka ug 10cm tapos CS gihapon? Kapuy uy!"
"Deretso CS na lang unta ka kung ingon ana ra diay ang nahitabo..."
"Dako siguro kaayo ang bata noh? Mao siguro na CS ka..."

Lau and I were blessed to have had taken childbirth preparation classes with Alex, we are more blessed that my parents gave us endless and priceless tips about Lamaze (being self-taught themselves), and yes, we are blessed that my labor only lasted for about half a day and I was still able to manage the pain...riding the waves and smiling all along. All of that was worth it.

We got home from the hospital on the 30th of July, three days after D was born. I'm very thankful that my Dad and sister (Jam) made all the effort of cleaning the house before we reached home to make sure that everything was all set for D. Our house happens to have three dogs so imagine the trafficking and dynamics! I was also trying to ride the breastfeeding wagon and hoped that it'd be easier than I've anticipated.

The first 24 hours at home was a whirlwind. My mind was a blank. I was, technically, on autopilot mode. I carried D when he cried and hush him back to sleep. Latching wasn't the problem...it was positioning because of my scar. So, football hold was something that I've mastered for the next two weeks. I had this notion that my Mum and Dad were able to do it all by themselves so I should be able to do it as well, right? WRONG! I was tired, I was physically tired having gone through a major abdominal surgery and still recovering. I wanted so much to do everything that a new mom should do, because it's what we expect of ourselves, right? Sure, in the ideal world...but this is the real world.

The first month was an autopilot life for me. Of course, I had expectations of myself that I didn't do and I was frustrated. I got mad at Lau for having the peace of mind in sleeping while I was engorged, in pain of my scar and still lost at what had happened in the DR/OR. Yes, if there's anything that kept on haunting me...it was the fact that I wanted to give birth as naturally and as normally as possible...and I didn't.

I remember calling Mum a few hours after giving birth. We were already in our room and I told Lau to sleep, the time was 3:45AM. I called Mum and the first thing that came out of my mouth was, "I'm sorry Mum, I tried. I really did..." and yes, I tried to stop the tears from falling. She assured me that everything was worth it as long as D is healthy. Unknown to me, my Dad already found out that I gave birth via CS. My anesthesiologist, Doc Jean, sent D's newborn pic to Dad at early morning (2AM). I called him up after Mum and said the very same thing, Dad simply wished that he would've been there given that he was at Maragusan.

I can't really explain in the right words the feeling that I had...not being able to give birth the way that I wanted. Maybe defeated? Probably disappointed? Could be angry? I was, for the first time in a long time, at a loss for words. I knew L wanted me to talk about it...but I too...I was disappointed at myself and angry at what had happened and I felt so defeated with the situation, maybe that would be the best explanation of it all. Yes, those were my postpartum blues...well, the bulk of it anyway.

I had such a fantastic support group behind me. L was very supportive especially while D and I were mastering breastfeeding (all the positions that would make us as comfortable as possible), Mum and Dad made sure that my diet helped in my milk production, close friends sent messages of encouragement and visited us...such positive thoughts and words really helped me get through what seems to be hell for me after giving birth. I was also very thankful that my OB assured me (endlessly) that I did all that I could in order to push D out as naturally and normally as possible...

It was small successes every single day that made me survive...it's as simple as being able to sleep 4 hours straight, the three of us. Or being able to eat a full meal without D crying...those small successes that factored in a good day...those were what I counted, and those were what made me smile and made me realize that I gotta just ride it out and it'll be all okay.

Do I wanna get pregnant and give birth again? Yes! It's all about riding the waves and enjoying the journey...pregnancy, motherhood...all of it is worth it.

Getting Back To My (Dancing) Roots

I've been dancing ever since I could remember...of course, little girls start out with ballet and yes, I fell in love with ballet. I was in awe with the way the dancers would carry themselves in pointes and they look so beautiful in their tutu costumes! I just stared at them and smiled...imagining that I would be, one day, dancing and looking as graceful as they do. I remember this one conversation I had with one of the dancers in pointes...

"Hi..." I said shyly behind the curtain.
"Hi...ganda naman ng ballet shoes mo." the girl said and smiled at me.
"Thank you po." I replied and looked at her retying her pointes and I couldn't help myself, I touched her tutu skirt, "Nice, so pretty."
"Thank you too. Don't worry, you will wear this one soon." she said as she motioned me to come closer to her, "It's okay, it's actually heavy." she said and jumped lightly as I saw the tutu skirt closer.
"Really? But you look so great...I can't even split yet." I said (yes, I was that desperate to do the split at 3 1/2 years old!)
"You will..." she said and winked at me.

True enough, three weeks later...I was able to do my first split! Whoa...it doesn't feel comfortable at all! And trust me, I felt like the stick that my teacher kept on pounding on the wooden dance floor is right between my legs! Ugh! But I felt so happy and felt like I made my first accomplishment...the split!

After that...I never looked back and continued on to dancing. Ballet has always been my foundation and boy, did I fall in love with it. I memorized The Swan Lake music even before I learned the multiplication table!

Having been born different, I was able to make the stage my home. I loved the lights and no, I wasn't born with stage fright...instead, I felt happy. I was just being myself and it was the best feeling in the world.

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew that I wasn't at my best in terms of body strength so in order to prep me for the possible long hours of labor...I got back to my belly dancing days mixed with a little bit of Polynesian movements. I love the hip movements of belly since it soothed my backaches during my third trimester...and it also strengthened my core muscles because of the isolation movements. The Polynesian mix was just to help me relax and feel okay while dealing with Braxton Hicks'.

True enough, D loves to listen to different types of music and sounds. This time...we're practicing our routine for a session and he's swaying his arms and kicking his legs like crazy! I hope he gets my passion for dance and movement as well.

Going back to my roots has taught me that even though it's been awhile since I've put on my dancing shoes...when I do put it back on, it's like being a kid all over again, on the stage...just me and the music.