My Breastfeeding Advocacy Journey

When I learned that I was pregnant...I didn't really fuss about it. I wasn't too focused on what would happen once D was born and what I would do in terms of feeding him. I've seen my Mum and a lot of my Titas breastfeed and pump milk...I thought that was what I needed before I would give birth. I didn't think that it required a lot of preparation on my part, even for L.

I've read a few articles, a few e-books...but nothing really struck me. It wasn't until I attended a mommy meet-up at The POD under Alex Hao that sparked my interest and got me into actually researching and studying about breastfeeding. I learned about the Milk Code or Executive Order 51. I then found myself being very passionate about it. Learning that my siblings and I grew up on breastmilk taught me that I had a support system in place.

So, the day arrived and having given birth to D...our breastfeeding journey had a pretty rocky start. Had to go through an emergency C-section, and D was separated from me for about 10-12 hours...naturally, I was panicking that the struggle was more real and I was holding my baby for the first time in my entire life. When we got home, the struggle became more apparent for me...though I thought that we were getting the hang of it, uncertainty and myths plagued me and I started to question everything that I was doing. Naturally, hormones played a huge part of and I was still kicking myself in the butt for having that C-section.

Breastfeeding, like any skill, has to be learnt and what makes this learning more unique and sometimes challenging is that there are two people involved, the baby and the mother. I had to learn to relax and be calm while feeding D and he had to learn how to deal with my letdown. I had to correct his latch and learn how to transfer milk to him so that he gets the amount that he needs without fuss. It took us about 2-3 weeks to really get the hang of it and I could feed him lying down.

Fast forward to 2 years and about 2 weeks...I'm still breastfeeding D. It's been an emotional ride with lots of learnings and ups & downs. It's an everyday decision to keep on going. Honestly, there are moments that I wanna throw in the towel and say, "I'm done...I've done my part..." but I know that he still wants to breastfeed and finds comfort in it. Who am I to restrict that from him? Yes, I'm leaving it up to him and right now, it doesn't look like weaning is in the picture.

I've been quite involved in this advocacy since the start of the year, having attended the Arugaan Breastfeeding Peer Counselors' Training under Velvet last January. Then the first LATCH Breastfeeding Peer Counselors' Training last April.

We've just concluded the biggest event of the year for LATCH, we were able to bring Dr. Jack Newman (yes, the breastfeeding rockstar) back to the Philippines for a 3-city event. With fundraising activities and talks on the side, I'm so lucky and blessed to have a group of like-minded mothers who are as committed and as passionate, if not more, about this cause.

I am, in no way, against formula milk. I believe that it does have a place in society. But what I am against is its unethical marketing strategies by making the public believe that it is as good, if not better than, breastmilk. This is where we put ourselves in and inform everyone what they should know.

As challenging as this journey has been for me and my group of mom friends, I've also learned that it's a beautiful thing to be with such strong and passionate moms. It makes this uphill battle so much more fun and worthwhile.

And now the Breastfeeding Awareness Week has come to a close and Dr. Jack Newman's 3-city tour has ended...I hope and truly pray that more people have been made aware of the the risks of artificial feeding and how this is truly a public health issue for both mom and baby.

Working From Home: The Real Deal

Technology these days has made the world a lot smaller than it really is. Home-based jobs are on the rise and people, who might not be as familiar with it, would think that it's easier because you're just at home and you call your own time...well, that's true and false at the same time...here's the real deal.

I got hooked with a home-based gig when I was around 6 months pregnant with D. A former colleague of mine recommended me to replace her in her teaching gig since she took a job in one of the premier malls in the city. I was more than happy to take it since I could still earn on the side and just stay home. Of course, it's a teaching gig so Skype has been my best friend ever since. I was tasked to teach English to Korean elementary students in an English academy. The materials would be provided so I just need to study and browse through them. When I gave birth to D until he was around 9 months, I had to put it aside to take care of him. But as soon as we got Yaya W, I was back to teaching. But due to my primary plan to go back to the corporate world, I stopped teaching by the end of 2013.

The downside to my schedule for the Korean academy was that I was teaching in the afternoon, from 12:30 till 5:00pm and I felt that the schedule wasn't really followed because there were instances that the students would be late and we would need to compensate for that and that would mean delaying our schedule at home as well. Students were assigned to me so I couldn't really choose the time but had to follow the schedule given. It worked for me until I noticed that the students, especially the last few, would be late for more than 30 minutes and I needed to pump milk that time or at least spend time with D long enough before he sleeps for the night. My Korean boss was nice enough to understand my dilemma and some of the other teachers that I work with (one happens to be a next-door neighbor) shared the same sentiment with me.

The first challenge I faced was the time difference because it slipped my mind during the first day of my stint that there was an hour time difference. I was almost late for my classes. Second challenge was I couldn't really rest whenever I wanted to because the classes would almost be back to back. There were days in the week that were a little more loose but over all, I had an average of 8 classes (25-minutes lessons) everyday.

Then early March of this year, I got the chance to teach online again. But this time, I'll be teaching Japanese business people and the topics will vary but focuses more on the business side of English. The pay's great and I like the idea because the hours are "off-peak" so I can still do things during the day and be with D. Their working hours are 5-8am and 5pm-12mn on weekdays, 8-11am and 5pm-12mn on holidays and weekends. This time, slots were chosen by the students and we were informed via email if our opened slots were booked. I liked it because I could control when I could teach. My teaching hours are 5-8am and 9-12mn on weekdays, 8-11am and 9-12mn on holidays and weekends but I rarely open slots for Sundays as I make sure that I get to spend enough time with my boys.

Third challenge was the internet connection, no matter which service provider you have in the PH, our web connection in the country is really below par with the demand of the home-based jobs that people do. I felt the impact of the connection more on my second gig because our evaluations called for our internet connection. Not easy when you know that PH has one of the worst connections all over the world. Boo!

Mondays to Fridays are pretty much like clockwork for me in the house, I wake up at 4AM (I AVOID the snooze button as much as I can) to be able to prepare for the classes. There are instances when I am fully-booked (all 6 slots are booked) and there are times when I barely have two classes (one at 5AM and the other at 7:30AM...). But I make it a discipline to wake up and get my lesson files ready. I find it easier to wake up earlier than cram. Then at night, I make sure that D is asleep and I get down as early as 8pm to prep for my lessons.

Are there instances where I don't wanna teach? OF COURSE! But if I've got classes booked, I make it a point to really teach them. Cancelling classes would be against my evaluations and my rate as well so I grin and bear it.

Working home-based is basically being paid for the work that you actually do. It's a lot different than working in an office and you have down time. The down time I have is when I am in between slots and I wasn't booked, but that rarely happens. But I've learned that working home-based is never as easy as it looks. It's just like working in an office as you have to schedule your events around it, especially children's birthday parties, wedding anniversaries and gatherings. But in the end, you still spend hours away from your family and focus completely on your work.

Upside to all of this: I can stay home and yes, wear my ordinary clothes. I just throw on my blazer (rule of the company) and then teach away.

julie

Child Safety Harness: To Use or Not To Use?

A couple of days ago, I was looking through my Facebook newsfeed and noticed a former trainee of mine with a status about a toddler who is missing. My heart quickly skipped a couple of beats and looked through her timeline and found out that her niece was abducted from a local mall a few hours ago and still no updates. My heart sank further as I looked back at my newsfeed yesterday, it's been 24 hours since the toddler was lost and still no news. I posted the photo in the page that I'm managing for our playgroup and all the other local groups that I can think of.

It's every parent's nightmare, losing their child. One cannot imagine the pain and guilt that a parent or caretaker feels when it is their sole job to take care of the child. I shudder to think of the day that I would personally know the child...because my heart is already breaking for the situation at hand, and I don't know the child personally. I then looked at the possibility of a group centering at abducting children and what they would do with the children. Child trafficking has been a common thing but never in this city...Davao City is known is to be safe, and yet...this happened!

I told L last night about the situation and he, himself, was worried. He told me that D was not to go to any public places in the next few weeks, unless he is there with us. I looked at the calendar and checked D's social calendar...so far, the only place we go to weekly is at The POD for the playgroup, and he's gonna be absent for two weeks because he's still recovering from his circumcision. So, no mall trips for the next week or so.

I then got to thinking, I've been seeing parents use the child safety harness on their toddlers. Yes, I will admit, I am one of those people who swore that they will not be saying things like "Because I said so..." or who will be using such harnesses because I didn't feel the need for it. Well, I'm contemplating of purchasing one for D. Now, I could really care less about stares and side comments from people because I care more about D's safety. And to be honest, it is quite helpful especially if the toddler doesn't like to be strapped in the stroller or who doesn't want to hold one's hand when they enter the mall. It gives them a certain freedom but knowing that the parent or caretaker still has a hold on them.

Of course, the downside would be if the harness is used as a leash and dragging the toddler somewhere or pulling them because they're not following instructions. I've learned that in order to understand D, I need to communicate with him at his level. I would get down to his eye level and talk to him, he may answer in babbles and mumbles that would take me forever to understand but we're communicating. I'm not dictating or just telling him because I'm the parent. I've fully understood that D is a human being who wants things and wants to be understood and as the parent, I need to be more open to that than just telling him to do things because it needs to be done. Trust me, I'm not as patient as other people but I have managed to stretch whatever patience I have since becoming a mother.

So...what are your thoughts about using a child safety harness?

Early Circumcision: An Important Health Choice

In our culture, circumcision is deemed a rite of passage to any boy who would like to be taken more seriously, or at least not teased in school. Ask any father who has gone through it and they will always say it was a choice that they needed to do because it was how the norm was. It is usually done during the summer season so that the recovery time would be longer and it's usually the "season" for such rituals.

When I gave birth to D, or when we found out that we were having a boy, I was quite aware of newborn circumcision and was hoping to have it done. L told me that he would want D to go through the process of making the decision as to when it will be done so that he, too, will have the rite of passage into manhood. I was supportive and agreed with him though I wasn't as aware as to how such would be done. I have a younger sister and my brother's 8 years older than me so when I was born, he's done with his rite of passage.

When D was diagnosed with phimosis, early circumcision was needed to prevent his UTI from recurring. So, we made the decision to have him undergo the procedure as soon as possible. I wasn't as nervous because I've gone through several operations myself, being born cleft and palate, and was aware of how operations would go. And since it was going to be a short procedure, D's pedia (Doc Monna) and our family friend and anesthesiologist (Doc Jean) were nice enough to assure us that it will be quick. Since D is 18 months when the procedure is done, topical anesthesia cannot be done since he will be very mobile so he will be under general anesthesia during the quick procedure. We got Doc Jean to recommend a surgeon to do the procedure.

L and I talked about who was going to be with D in the OR during the procedure. Honestly, it would be my first time in the OR (where I'm not the patient) and it will be L's second time, after my CS, for him. He told me that I should be the one with D so that I would be aware as to how circumcision is done. Yes, I'm not really aware as to how it's done...I've seen videos and diagrams but actual is not something I would like to see but yes, he has a point. If we have another son then it would be ideal that I also be aware so that we can make the necessary decision of newborn circumcision since phimosis could be genetic. If D was born with it and he'd have a younger brother, he might have it as well.

D went through the usual pre-op labs (CBC platelet and chest x-ray), we even had a difficult time getting the results because we had to wait for a few hours and then we would miss out on the clinic hours of the surgeon. It was postponed until D's x-ray findings were clear (first reading was right basal pneumonia, second reading was all clear). I went to Dr. Monteverde's clinic last Monday (February 3) to meet him and explain the situation at hand. He looks such a calm and cool surgeon and that made me more at ease with the upcoming procedure. What took my by surprise was that D wouldn't be under general anesthesia (like what the pedia explained it was going to be) but just a plain circumcision where he will be wide awake. I was a little hesitant because I knew the strength that D has, imagine the Incredible Hulk but cuter. Dr. Tom was very casual and told me that it'll be fine and it'll be done more quickly. I texted Dr. Jean and she said she'll be on standby in case of an SOS. So, the schedule was February 4 at 10AM at the outpatient department of Brokenshire.

The procedure was quick and easy and I appreciated that Dr. Tom was able to explain to us each step that he would take. It was also great that he was teaching an ER doctor (who hasn't done a phimotic circumcision on a toddler) how to do it as well. D was (naturally) screaming and crying during the duration because he was being pinned down, but halfway through the procedure he fell asleep and we were all able to relax our grip on him. L had to step out about 10 minutes into the procedure because he couldn't take D's crying and screams. I wasn't aware about it until we had dinner last night and I asked him where he went. I guess when you have gone through the same procedure and you hear your own son crying, it's never the easiest on the dads.

Now that it's been more than 24 hours since the procedure, I don't think there's any pain though he was prescribed to take mefenamic for 5 days. He is quite aware that he's got something healing below the belt and yes, it was hastened the potty training for the family.

Did I have second thoughts about letting D go through such a procedure at 18 months? No.

Would I do it to my second son, if we were given another boy? Well, newborn circumcision is something that L and I feel strongly about especially if he is phimotic.

We decided on early circumcision on D because it was an important health choice. Amidst the norm and culture that we hold in our society, it is something that L and I needed to decide on instead of given D the free reign. But yes, I would do it again in a heartbeat...

Antics and Shenanigans

18 months for D is just around the corner and boy, has he grown up!

He's not only a mix of L and I but he has a whole side of him that we can only wonder where he got! Weekends are pure of fun and play as I make it a point to spend as much time as I can with him, and L always makes the effort of doing so on his only day off (Sundays). Yes, he's more than a handful but we won't have it any other way.

In terms of development stages...I've already learned to turn a blind eye to what "experts" say because I can only imagine the type of pressure that would put on me and L as we try to make a checklist of what D should be able to do at this stage. 18 months, yes...there are milestones that these toddlers should be hitting but I'd rather D hit it because he wants to and not because we feel like it's a list he needs to achieve. Blabbers and mumbles, yes...he's the perfect example for that. 2-syllable words? Maybe, depends if I catch it myself or Yaya W. Heck, I'm sure he can hold a conversation with me without me knowing. But as long as we're both having fun and he's learning along the way...that's all that matters.

Thankfully, his pedia has seen what he can do and agrees with me...there's no need for a checklist especially when he's thriving so well. And since I'm still breastfeeding him at 17 months and 22 days strong...I'd say that the IQ points that experts are saying will quantify once he's already in his elementary and high school years. Besides, we are all different and we all have different learning styles. I have yet to discover how he exactly learns but he is a sponge, this little man of mine. I can only hope for so much but I know that it's all up to him.

His latest antic is when he mimics L and I when we talk on the mobile phone. We use the speaker when talking and he grabs the remote control and starts talking random blabbers and looks at us as if we need to respond to him. Yes, he's cool like that. We sometimes joke that he'll be following our footsteps and be bossing people around but I shudder to think of such future! LOL! He's not as patient, he's a toddler so patience is still a learning curve, especially when his stack of building blocks fall.

He loves writing...nope, not on the walls...but on the sheets and the rubber mats on the floor instead! He uses crayons, pens, pencils...anything he can get his hands on that he knows is drawing material...expect it to be his. One can only imagine my reaction when I realize that my daily mommy planner has all his doodles...I don't mind, it's something that I'll treasure so much! I'd always tell myself...more doodles, please!

Tantrums? Of course, he's a toddler! We make it a point that he doesn't cry out as much so that there would be a communication between whoever is handling him and himself. We let him cry so that he could let his feelings out but we don't let him cry it out. He's just like any other toddler who throws tantrums especially when he doesn't get what he wants or when we don't understand what he's trying to say. It's a rollercoaster ride with him but it's view's totally worth it.

I still can't believe that we're about to hit 18 months...it's been such a quick ride, in the blink of the eye...who knows where D will find himself. Antics and shenanigans about, he's the one person who will always have a place in my heart...of course, because he knows how it feels from the inside.

julie

Save, Pay and Invest

As I greeted 2014, I knew that I needed to up my ante on myself and give myself a challenge...three goals popped in my mind immediately: save, pay and invest.

SAVE. It's the one word that I've always eluded all the this time. It's easier said than done and everyone knows that. I've never been the best at saving and I knew that it was going to bite me in the ass sooner or later. And when D came into the picture, I knew that I needed to shift priorities. Well, I basically changed the way that I thought and really focused on family. So this time around, I'm putting my money where my mouth is...opening a trust for Damien and putting a portion of our earnings in savings.

PAY. Paying off all the "external" debts that we have. When I say external, I mean the credit card and loan. We still have "internal" debts towards my parents for taking us in and taking care of us all these years. But my ultimate goal is to pay off the external debts so that we can focus more on helping out with the household utilities and more savings as well.

INVEST. Not so sure yet as to where we'll be putting in our money but my view of this is taking over the payment of the life policies and pre-need policies that my parents got for L and I while we were still younger. We might be getting a policy for D as well.

I keep on reminiscing when I was still young and would play house while Mum and Dad were away on their trips and I would pretend to be the one in charge of the house and all...then I snap back to reality and realize that I am an adult and I will be in charge of the house soon after Mum and Dad have moved out and moved to their home on the foot of Mt. Apo...

As much as I would love to challenge myself more, these three goals will push me to be a smarter individual in the world of money. It will help us in making decisions for the family and it will also help us prepare for the future. Hey, D will start school in 2 years so we need to prepare for that as well, whether we decide to homeschool him or not...and the most usual question I'm being asked these days is, "When will you give D a sibling?" My answer so far, "We'll try late next year..." It's not cheap giving birth these days...let alone raise a child.

Fingers crossed as I start my journey to achieve these three goals...

julie

Urinary Tract Infection: It's Not What Everyone Thinks It Is

Been a little busier than usual and this has been in my drafts since mid-December...

UTI or urinary tract infection is quite common for girls only because of how our anatomy is on the outside. It's quite rare for boys though it's not impossible for them to acquire UTI.

D was diagnosed with UTI early September and he went through a course of antibiotics. It was the scariest thing we had to go through since his fever was erratic though persistent and he went through chills at one point. He had three urine cultures and even though there were two types of bacteria that was present in his urine, only one was removed with the antibiotics. Then he was clinically all right and well even though E.Coli was still positive in his culture. His pedia, Doc Monna, ordered for another urine culture in one of the top hospitals here in Davao just to make sure and then we will decide on the course of treatment thereafter.

I was a little unsure with the fact that the course of treatment for E.Coli in UTI is only via IV antibiotics, I wasn't too keen with admitting D in the hospital just for that when he is clinically active and not having fever. So, we postponed the urine culture and decided to go the organic route and made him drink coconut water for two weeks straight...hoping that his UTI would just go away.

By mid-November, D was having his usual fever and loss of appetite. We rushed to the hospital for labs. His CBC platelet were within normal range so it's not dengue but he does have an infection. His urine culture was due in a couple of days so we resorted to just letting him drink paracetamol for the meantime to regulate his temperature.

When the urine culture came out and it was still positive with E.Coli...then I knew that his UTI was back with a vengeance so we were prepping ourselves for the worst, which would mean that D would have to admitted for IV antibiotics. So, late November D was admitted at Brokenshire Hospital for 10 days for his UTI treatment. It was one of the most challenging times because I knew what it took to be in the hospital and the discomfort and pain he'd have to go through with all the needle poking and lab tests. I'm quite proud to say that he's such a trooper and has even made tons of friends amongst the nurses.

He was discharged with a clean bill of health though he still has some procedures to be scheduled. D is still maintaining his antibiotics for the meantime, but he is scheduled to have his circumcision next week due to his phimosis (the tightness of the foreskin of the penis that prevents the retraction of the foreskin over the glans). And once he's all healed up, he'll go through VCUG (voiding cysto-urethrogram) to check if there is anything in his urinary tract system that might be the cause of the infection aside from his phimosis.

We hope that his circumcision and his VCUG will go smoothly so that his recurring UTI will be done and I won't have to panic every time he would get a fever...

julie

Sticking To A Routine

When the decision was made that I would go back to my old job (a job that I truly love), we knew that we needed to transition D to a routine that we all could slowly ease into and that he can handle. Tots love and thrive with routine. Of course, he can make his own routine and God only knows it takes me a while to understand what he actually wants but as long as he's happy...we're all good.

Though my job would be in shifts, morning shift would be a priority for me since I'm still breastfeeding D and I'm also pumping in between for his stash, and also he's still young. He just turned 15 months a few days ago and I've noticed that he doesn't drink as much milk as he would from a bottle or from a cup, he would only drink if he's about to take his nap (which he would take it from a bottle) and then doze himself to sleep. Then, after my online classes...that's the time he would catch up with his feedings. I totally get it now...though I still pump for extra stash and to make sure that I won't get plugged ducts and all, the transition to feeding him has definitely been a major change in my routine.

I'm pretty lucky to have an online gig right now that simply requires me to sit and I can power pump during my classes. I can pump about 4-5oz for each afternoon that I power pump and D only consumes about 3-4oz so I still have a bit of the stash left. When I don't have classes (Korean holidays or when I am absent) then I make it a point to directly feed D coz I'm way too lazy to really pump. So weekends are really just directly feeding him and then he eats A LOT OF solids.

I haven't really thought of how my pumping routine will be in the office since we're really focused on getting D to get used to not seeing me for longer hours. He does get used to it at some point but when he sees me in the family office then all hell breaks loose because he'd demand that I spend time with him. Also, we're still trying to calm him when he wakes up at night for feeding. I have yet to introduce the bottle with him and L but we're planning to do that in November. I'll leave the cooler in our bedroom with a bottle or two and hopefully, they'll both manage to soothe and calm themselves. This is for when I have the midshift (2pm-11pm) schedule coz I'd be home by 11:30pm and be in bed by 11:45pm...that's about 10 hours gone so it'll take some getting used to for D and L given that they're both used to just having me in between them. Good luck to the boys, huh?

Not only am I getting D to a routine...I also need to get myself in a routine. I've been staying at home for almost 2 years now so that's almost 2 years of not really waking up early or prepping myself to go out (that's such too much prepping!) so I need to get myself into a quick but foolproof routine where I can still be a wife, mom and a trainer...hahaha! Good luck to me, huh?

All these talk about routines have definitely made me feel excited but at the same time anxious because gone are the days where I can actually play hooky and plan the whole day on a whim...this time around, there's a need for a schedule and there's a need for cooperation (and I mean serious cooperation) so that everyone can leave on time and not be late. Aha! Good luck to all of us, huh?

But I'm sure that we can all manage somehow, we still have two more months...I'd want to be optimistic about this...

julie

Think About It

I'm at a crossroad right now...

I've always wanted to be a hands-on mom, like hands-on to a point that I stay home and make sure that I see every single milestone that D will go through. Then again, I look back and see how my life was before I became a mother, I was part of the corporate world and loved being there as well.

Now that D is a toddler, I've always told myself that I might seriously consider going back to work as long as I can handle the pressure and that L and I have thoroughly talked about it.

Right after our usual weekly playgroup this morning, I had lunch with a very good friend of mine from my previous office and she also happens to be D's godmother. She also asked me to be the godmother of her youngest son's confirmation and of course, I obliged with a huge smile. She updated me with the happenings in the office and how much it has changed and how many have come and gone. Then, right there...I can still vividly remember how fun the office was. It was a family and I miss it every single day.

She told me that because of the recent changes of the line-up in the office...some people have decided to leave and some are about to leave. Of course, there are new faces and that's also great and refreshing. Then I asked her, "Do you need me there?" And with her usual expression in her eyes, "Yes...but think about it..."

Ah yes...think about it...

I cannot quite grasp the idea of me about to leave for work everyday when I know that I'm leaving D. I trust Yaya W completely, don't get me wrong, but I've always wanted to be a hands-on mom. I've always wanted to see every single milestone that he'll go through. I wanna be the one who will teach him all the firsts in the world. I'm relinquishing that...and I'm not sure if I can fathom the idea, just yet.

I know that this is going to be a long process of thinking and weighing the pros and cons. I listed down the first few comparisons that came into mind and everything that was under CON was about D. Am I wrong for wanting to be with my son? Am I wrong for wanting to go back to work? Where am I supposed to put myself in this situation? I'm confused because I'm battling with my own reasons even though the world around me is telling me that it'll be all right.

This is battle between the mother in me and the wife in me...mother because I want to take of D and be there for everything that he will go through, wife because I know that we can work together better if we both are employed and we can actually save more and have a fund set for D.

I don't know...I'm still lost...

I have until the end of the year to really think about this carefully...I just hope that whatever I decide, I will be happy about it. I know that my family will be supportive of whatever choice I make...I just need to be sure that I AM okay with the decision.

Milestones and Comparisons

I've heard it more often than I want..."How old is he? Can he talk? Can he walk? Can he say his name? Can he recognize people?" WHOA! Slow down, I have a 13-month-old, not a senior citizen! What's wrong with you people?

I've been looking through tons of baby/toddler websites and I know by now that tots grow up very differently even though they live in the same area. Let's take D as an example...he's about to hit his 14th month in a couple of days and he just loves to be all around the place! I read him books (well, he has a favorite book) and he loves to play with his blocks and puzzles and all sorts of toys. He likes to stand more than walking, and if he does walk...he'd rather do it when he's on top of our mattress, knowing that if he'd fall flat on his bum, it's soft (smart kid!). He has tons of syllables in his vocabulary but a complete word is uttered by accident and happens once in a blue moon. He has his mood swings and will definitely let the world know how he feels. He just hit his 9-kg mark on the scale on his last pedia visit and is still cheerfully breastfeeding whenever he wants to. He eats three full meals a day (and more snacks in between) and loves to try new food, as long as he can take the taste. His eyes beam whenever he sees the most familiar faces (me, L, Yaya, Lolo, Lola and Tita J). He adores it whenever he is near our dogs, Spark and Sam, and would love to pull their tail if he had the chance. He knows that crawling is a faster way of getting to what he wants than walking. He loves it when the faucet is turned on and we have to wash his bum. He points out to whatever he wants us to bring him and will let us know if it's the right thing.

For this wonderful little dude, he is slowly and surely learning his way around the world. He's unlike any other tot in the world and I wouldn't change that. Should I worry that he insists in crawling rather than walking? Nope, he'll find his footing in the world. Should I worry that he hasn't uttered words yet? Nope, he'll soon mutter them nonstop once he has found his syllables. Should I worry that he's choosy with people? Nope, he recognizes faces and beams when he knows them.

I've learned (the hard way) that I cannot push D to be just like any other tot because he's not like any other tot. I can't compare him to his peers and I can't force him to fit in to the "standard" when he has his own way and footing in the world. I love it that he's teaching me the one lesson that I've learned myself, "Why do I need to fit in when I am born to stand out and be a different person?"

Yes D, I understand. And I will try my best to keep that in mind. You are your own being and you are your own person. And I will be as patient as I can be with myself and my expectations so that I can give you the best that the world has to offer. I trust that you will learn how the world works and you will also teach me how you are as a being in this world.

A Different Normal

Now that the big bash has ended, a different kind of normal has set in. Not only do I have a toddler who scurries and is almost at the brink of running after our Chinese Sharpei, Sparkle, I have fully committed myself to my online teaching and planning to get more students in the coming months (well, I'm still easing into the idea anyway).

I looked at myself in the mirror and finally noticed my naturally wavy hair which hasn't been treated (rebond) for the past four years (WOW!), I noticed my eyebrows screaming for another session of threading, I noticed my face yearning for its usual facial treatment, I noticed my teeth that are asking for another scary and potentially annoying session with our dentist...alas, I finally noticed myself! Well, looks like I need a major overhaul! Hahaha...I could have laughed at myself but then again, I was kinda right.

Look, before I got pregnant...I made it a point to really dress up and look at the part of a communications trainer back in the corporate world. I loved it. I love dressing up and working the corridors with my "clacking" heels, yes...they were painful but I felt good. Everything, and I mean everything, changed as soon as I found out I was pregnant. It took awhile for me to really keep all my heels but when L noticed that I was wearing them while sitting down (HAHAHA!), he himself stowed them away where I could not reach them. My corporate attire rested for about a year before I was able to fit in them again but I opted for a more relaxed kind of wardrobe since I was still in my post-pregnancy body.

I'm now embracing a different kind of normal. It's when I wake up in the morning not because I woke up by myself but because D is waking me up and I look at the clock and it's 5:30...yes, I have my personal alarm clock and he's as cute as a button. We have already a schedule all set up, I have classes in the afternoon but I still make it a point for him to socialize with his playgroup once a week. I also find time to pump milk at least three times a day for his personal stash...anything that is more than what I usually pump is donated. Also, I spend as much time on the floor playing with him. There's nothing more in the world that I want to do.

When it's time for class, I make it a point to still have at least 15% of my brain on D...although Yaya Wilma has complete eyes on him, I still sneak in a peek whenever I have the time. My Skype profile picture is him so naturally my students will always ask about how he is and all. I'm so blessed and thankful to have this online gig since it gives me the best of both worlds, I can still do what I love and be at home with D.

For the next few days, my personal assignment is to SLOWLY (emphasizing as it will take a long time) arrange my accessories in my dresser. I noticed my dresser and our closets (his-and-her) and they're not exactly up to my standards of OC-ness, hahaha! I know that it's going to take some time since I juggle a lot on my plate but I am quite happy that I am slowly easing into motherhood. Yes, you might find it strange that I've only just eased into it. It's not easy having a baby...but now that D is a toddler and is beginning to realize that he is a being on his own, I can actually have some time for myself and remember that I am a being too.

Although it can take me months to be able to book a salon appointment to have my hair done, or weeks before I can head to my facialist for my treatment...it's only because I am still adjusting to motherhood. It's never easy leaving D behind, even though I have already left a stash for him and made sure to have explained to him where I am going. It is me who is feeling the anxiety because there is a certain guilt of wanting to spend some time alone when my baby needs me...but now that he'd a toddler, I can fully understand why it took so long, it's because I needed to feel comfortable enough as a mother to be able to leave him and know that he can fend for himself. He knows when he's hungry and can give cues to his nanny, though I am at his beck and call...he knows that if I need to have time for myself, he doesn't get mad. It took me a long time to be able to get it...but now, I finally have.

I'm not so sure if I fully make sense in this post but I am smiling but I can slowly plan things for myself and L. I can call for a movie date and not worry too much. I can book a salon appointment and know that D will be fine. I can head on to my facialist and pamper myself. And I can come home knowing that D is waiting for me with the biggest smile and open arms...heck, a few tiny steps with it as well!

The evolution of normal will always have its stages. I'm glad to see myself in a different stage...in a different normal.

The First Birthday Bash

The day has finally arrived as we celebrated D's first birthday last Saturday, July 27.

I will try to write a post for each of my suppliers as well as post some pictures as well.

Here are the details of his bash:

Location: Las Terrazas Clubhouse
Dinner Catering: Alternative Catering Services by Mila's
Lechon: Porky's Lechon
Candy Buffet: Tina's Candy Buffet
Video Highlights: Tonn Navales
Photos: CJ Liamzon
Party Host and Magician: Bonjee Entertainment Services

Everything else, including the physical arrangement and decorations, were done by Team Damien (me, Lau, Jam, Shimran, Rap2 and more relatives and friends). We made it a point to hire the professionals that are already good at what they do and have been part of our occasions through the years. D's godmother was nice enough to offer that she be in charge of the cupcakes for his big bash. We opted not to have the cake as it wouldn't be enjoyed by everyone since that would mean slicing it and putting it in platters and then distributing them to everyone and also because there's no space in the refrigerator for the leftovers.

Being the OC that I am, I made sure to book the suppliers at least 2 months in advance (except for the catering as they live a block from us and we know that they can be booked last-minute). It was around April when I was already full-on party-planning mode (see my previous posts) and have finished almost all of the things for the party itself.

There were definitely a lot of kids at the party and that made me happy because the party program and magician were really meant for the kids. I was also very happy, though terrified at the same time, that James the magician brought along Snakee, his 2-year-old Burmese Python at the party. A lot of kids and parents were ecstatic and happy to have pics taken with Snakee but I was a scaredy cat. Hahaha!

If there's anything that I am proud of, I am proud that L and I didn't kill each other with the decorations (LOL!) and also that it really made us more patient with each other as we work in very different ways. I was planning for the worst (given that it was supposed to be the rainiest night of the week) and L was planning it to be the best bash in pictures...in the end, we both wanted the best for D, who was very happy and was smiling in almost all of the photos!

Speaking of photos, I have yet to get the photos and video highlights of the big bash but I'll be posting separate posts with my suppliers and how our relationship evolved to being good friends.

(Extended) Breastfeeding: A Habit Hard To Break

I've been breastfeeding D since Day 1 and now that he's about to turn 1 year old, there are tons of bumps that we've already crossed and tons of happy moments that we've shared. Nearly all of what I wear in public is thought of in such a way that it should be easily accessed by D's mouth so that when he cries or demands or simply wants to comfort suckle...it's ready and available right then and there. Somehow, it's become a habit of ours to just be in sync with each other's moods and feelings. I guess that's what happens when you're attached to your baby because of breastfeeding.

L, D and I co-sleep and even though a queen-sized mattress is big...looks like we need something bigger because D can sleep in half of the space. Yes, how can little babies take up A LOT OF SPACE is beyond me but we manage through it. He has yet to stop his night feedings and it's been a couple of months since I've been actively pumping for his stash during the day when I have classes or when I have to run errands. I still make it a point to pump at least twice during Saturdays and Sundays so as to keep up with the stash.

First thing that people ask me when they find out that I'm breastfeeding D, "How many teeth does he have?" I smile and answer, "He has six teeth and more coming too!"

Yes, the biggest fear of most moms who breastfeed directly is the eruption of the teeth. Actually, I noticed D's teething stages as early as 3 months but I didn't feel any "pain" or discomfort until he had actually bitten me (by accident, of course) when he was 9 months old. The biting pangs and incidents simply happen when I don't get to read his emotions and his cues...but when we're both in the moment, I can quickly tell if he's fussy or if he's already bored and that's usually the time when he feels like my nipples are made of rubber and can be pulled and tossed around and all that.

As of writing, I have wounds on both nipples...I actually clench my fists when D latches on these days only because it still stings. But the pain's manageable. Don't get me wrong, it's painful but I'm looking at it this way...I've been through labor and back and was able to go through the whole 10cm and effacement with no medical intervention, the latching and wounds are simply part of the process of breastfeeding. I am in no way going to stop because of a few winces and stings. I'm not hardcore...I just have a high tolerance for pain and I'm quite thankful for it too!

I keep on looking back to Day 1 until today and I look at L and D while they're playing...I don't think that I'd be this attuned to them if it wasn't because of breastfeeding. I was able to learn how to be patient with myself and with D (it was quite a rough start for the both of us) and I was also able to learn how to be thankful for my family as my support group.

It truly is a hard habit to break, I don't know when we will stop and I don't know how we will stop...I don't even wanna think about that because...it's not something that I'm looking forward to, though it's something that is bound to happen, hopefully not too soon.

Transitioning to Toddlerhood

D is turning 1 year old in 24 days, hence the countdown to his big O-N-E has begun. I'm quite excited at the commitment that I have for his birthday party but at the same time, the undeniable fact faces me...I am about to have a toddler in the house (insert sarcastic and funny remark...).

I'm quite excited with the prospect of having my very own hurricane in the house. I know that a lot of moms and dads who have had toddlers (my parents included) will always tell me ALL THE HORROR stories that they can tell me about what life is like with a toddler. Wow, thanks so much! I'm not sure if you're happy about it or you just wanna make me feel miserable. I hope it's the former but I do know where they're coming from...I just wish that it was put more delicately, like not scaring the first-time parents. Instead, supporting them and telling them the tricks of the trade of being a parent to a toddler. It doesn't hurt, right?

I remember when I gave birth to D and all my other high school batch mates were also pregnant and about to pop...I was more than happy to tell them about my birthing experience but I was also careful with my words, I wanted them to anticipate it with excitement, happiness and joy as opposed to dread and fear. Why put so much negativity into such a happy occasion? I've always believed that if you really want to support someone, you give them a nice picture but also give them warnings but without discouraging them. It's a balance but I make it a point to do it.

I'm starting to hear a lot of "horror" and "terror" stories about having a toddler in the house:

"Halaka, samok na kaayo ang balay!"
"Nah, payat jud ka ana samot ba!"
"Goodbye na lang sa mga gamit ninyo..."
"Kapuy kaayo ang bata uy...purye gaba lang..."

Hmmm...anything positive about having a toddler? Like maybe when they pick up their toys and put them in their respective boxes? Or when they try to help you with other chores? Or when they start talking and babbling as if they're in a conversation with you?

I appreciate all the stories but I wish that people, in general, would be more positive when giving stories. I know that D will be a handful and I'm already expecting that. I thank God, everyday, for Yaya Wilma as she can always carry half of the load during the day. We're already expecting the worst (not really) but we're definitely hoping for the best.

Toddlers are expected to make a mess...they're expected to be noisy and loud...they're expected to be kids and just run around and play...what else do you expect of them? They're kids...they're learning and exploring and they want to have fun.

Right now, I can see that D is slowly transitioning from a baby to a toddler and I can't help myself but wonder, how fast time flies. Last year...he was still in my tummy, kicking and punching and basically telling us he wants to see the world. And now that he's out and about, I'm sure he wants to see more.

This sure transition to toddlerhood is something that every parent will go through...this time, with us, we want it to be a memorable and positive experience for everyone. Are there going to be bumps? Oh yes, a lot of them. But in the end, it's all about D exploring how wonderful and great the world is. And yes, I will be there...every step of the way.

Do-It-Yourself: How Hardcore I Am

D's birthday is a month and a half away...yes, time is fast and it flies like the man of steel and the question that all mothers ask, 'What kind of party should we throw for our little one?'

If you ask any mother, they would love to splurge and go all out...who doesn't? Our babies only turn one ONCE and even though they're not going to remember it and all (that's the point of photos and videos, hello!) but we, as parents, do. We remember every single detail and the happenings and we will always tell them in detail when they're all grown up.

My parents didn't have a lot when they started their family...in fact, they barely had the essentials! So, it was very natural for them to DIY the first birthday parties of Paul, me and Jam. They have all the pictures to prove it and some videos as well. What made it so special was that everyone appreciated it and it was unique...no one could follow what they did! Hence, the inspiration came to mind!

I was hellbent (hahaha!) to prepare for D's first birthday party myself, maybe because I felt that most of the decorations were very generic and I thought to myself, 'I think I can learn how to do it.' I'd like to believe that I'm creative enough that I can whip up something and besides, L has the artistic hands and can always carve something out of nothing (that beats any basketball-hungry husband, anytime!). Right after D's baptism last November, I was already busy looking for possible themes for his birthday. We already had a rough estimate of the budget since we knew that we would be contacting the same suppliers, but I wanted it to be lesser so I knew that DIY was the road I was going to take.

After the holidays and having settled down after New Year, I was busy looking through different ideas and possible decors...for me, I wanted a theme that would reflect the same passion that L and I share and something that D would be able to look back and say, "That was a good theme Mum...excellent choice." It took me about a couple of weeks before I was able to confidently say that his birthday theme was going to be Disney Pixar's movie Up.

Here was the fun part: gathering all ideas and information for his birthday party. From the decor, to the lootbags and giveaways, and even the shoot for the invite! All of that was playing in my head and I needed to make sure that it was organized in my laptop, thank God for Pinterest since I was able to follow boards and mix different ideas. Also, it was great that the website of Disney had TONS of printable designs and templates. My parents were very supportive as well since they knew that it would slash the budget in half, yes, half!

Last month, I was able to convince my Dad to help me in financing the fee for a DIY Balloon Decor Workshop here in the city. I figured, I wanted to make a statement and be as creative as I could be...might as well do our own decor and trimmings! Being OC, I didn't want it to look so DIY and amateur, I wanted it to look good on photos and look as if it could be featured on Martha Stewart's website! Hahaha, being domesticated has never been this fun but trust me...you'd want it to be picture perfect!

People ask me, how DIY is the party? The only professionals that I hired were the caterer for the dinner buffet, the candy bar buffet that my high school friend did for D's baptismal, the character host and magician tandem and the photographer & videographer. Everything else is on me, well...me and my team (family!), that is.

Was it at all difficult? Of course it is! Which decor? What kind of giveaway? Which lootbag? What design? Tons of questions and quite difficult to answer since I wanted to put everything! But reality (in the form of my husband, L) came into picture and told me to calm down. Haha, thank God because imagine how the party would look like! He definitely made things easier in terms of pinpointing which ones we can handle in making ourselves and the time frame. In the end, most of the ideas that I wanted were put in place...he just ironed all my ideas out so that I won't look so frazzled.

I guess it pays off to be OC and really organized because while L was at work, I was busy already making the giveaways and doing mock-ups of the centerpieces and lootbags (yes, we're making the lootbags!). He never really saw this side of me given that we only met in college, but it was also nice that he saw a different side of me...where I was really into it and I was crazy about it, I even dream about it (no kidding!).

Most of D's playmates are also turning 1 this year...I love sharing ideas to other moms especially those who want to DIY their babies' parties as well.

My Dad always told me that parties (whether it's wedding, birthday or any other reception) is a communal celebration...have people who care about the celebrant and celebrate happiness together. I can't wait for D's party! A celebration of his life and a celebration of our parenthood as well!

Biting The Nipples That Feed Him

Been almost a month since my previous post but I've been very busy with the preparations for D's first birthday and I got back to online teaching this week, needless to say...it's been quite hectic.

Amidst all the "chaos" that's been happening, D is pretty much growing in front of our eyes. My parents were away for just a few days and got extended for another 24 hours due to the airport mishap (they were rerouted to Manila then GenSan and took a 3-hour bus trip back to Davao). They noticed D's sudden growth and mentioned it to me, the moms at our weekly playgroup also noticed and well...as much as I want to deny it, my little boy's growing up!

And with growing up comes those little tiny instances that really try my pain tolerance, yes...breastfeeding mothers can definitely relate to this...biting! He doesn't do it on purpose, at least I don't think so, and it doesn't happen often but when it does...WOW! I'd rather go through labor than deal with those nipple bites! Whew!

Did it seem bad? Yes, I felt like I was going to lose my nipple when I felt it. I was imagining this bloody image in my head where in the actual nipple is between his four incisors and he's smiling at me with that snarl that he always gives when he's feeding off me (too bloody?!). Then I look down and it's just red, sore and bleeding a little...I looked at D and there he was, smiling and giggling. I know he didn't do it on purpose but that was just one of those VERY RARE moments that I wish I could stop breastfeeding. I didn't stop...trust me, I wasn't going to stop just because there was a tiny wound.

The best cure was to let D latch and let his saliva heal it, true enough...it was all right. Took about a couple of week for the soreness to completely go away but I was still able to pump and express milk for him. That didn't discourage me from breastfeeding...but it did make me flinch every once in awhile whenever D would latch. Somehow, those little teeth are definitely not stopping at biting everything it can get in contact with. How do I stop him though? Well...pinching his nose definitely stops it, the "suffocation" trick doesn't really work on his as he was push me away and it's more painful. So pinching works for us...

I know that this will be just be a phase, and I'm in no way deciding to stop breastfeeding. But yet, babies do bite the nipples that feed them...mommies, trust me...they still love you no matter what and they're not doing it on purpose.

Pumping It Up

D's already 9 months and 13 days as of writing and he is as active as he can be! Semi-cruising and already showing signs that he's ready to let go of whatever he's holding to stand up on his own, I only have a few more months to spare before all of us will be running after him. With his constant growth, I've seen him chow down more food than I thought I could see him eat...and his milk input hasn't changed either! Love the idea that I can just pull it out and he can latch onto it, anytime and anywhere.

I've been meaning to build up a stash but since I stay home with him, laziness has come over me and pumping hasn't been a priority unless there's a need to donate some. But a few days ago, I was contacted by my former headteacher and asked me if I could start teaching again next month. I've missed teaching and if there's anything that I love to do (before I became a mom), that's teaching. I jumped to the chance and agreed to start teaching again.

My classes will start as early as noon so that would mean D will be spending the afternoon and early evening with his nanny, Yaya W. The thought of having to build a stash was already looming and quite urgent since I know that my supply would need to be reprogrammed. I wasn't too worried but I also knew that it'd be a great practice to already start the soonest.

This afternoon, I was able to find the time to actually do some sessions. I was quite surprised since I was able to pump around 3oz. during my first two sessions. I'm due for another session tonight after I post this. But with the way things are going...I'm actually happy that I'm slowly and surely building a stash. It's also perfect timing since the balloon workshop will be on the 25th of this month and I'll be away for a whole day, a stash would be perfect so that Yaya W will be relieved as well.

Such liquid gold is achievable. I'm quite glad to have the support system around me. It's not a numbers game, it's more of consistency and practice...with a whole lot of patience!

By the way...D isn't used to bottle feeding so we're skipping all those and going straight to the glass! Besides, he loves putting his mouth to the rim and feel the glass...

First Mother's Day

As this is my first Mother's Day celebration, L asked me a question that he's been asking me ever since I became pregnant, "What do you want for that special day?" Whether it be Christmas, our wedding anniversary, my birthday or Mother's Day...I'm still stumped, speechless and at a loss for words. I'm not so sure what I want...then I started thinking about a couple of new designs from GroVia or the Skip Hop bags that would look perfect on D instead of his usual diaper bag or go over the list of things that we need for D's first birthday...wait a sec, didn't he ask what I wanted for that special day? How come I couldn't think of MY wants and instead think of D's wants instead...right, I'm a mom.

Ever since I became pregnant, everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) has shifted to D. I was lucky enough to be able to enjoy perks of being single and think of no one else but me, then L and I decided to get married and we were still lucky to be able to travel to KL and SG before we got pregnant...I had a closet full (and I mean full!) of clothes and shoes...not to mention purses and bags (I even forgot that I had more bags and purses that I stashed in my sister's closet!). How quickly has my focused changed to this one little human being is beyond me...but I don't regret it nor do I miss my former self at all.

This evolution of myself has been gradual, I believe. And I think that's the beauty of being pregnant! The first trimester tells you that you are carrying someone...but it doesn't make you look like it, just feel like it (morning sickness, tummy aches). The second trimester slowly comes in and you look too full to not be pregnant but look like you ate a melon to be pregnant, I call it the ugly side since you're in the middle of the cycle! You still get to enjoy your time with your husband, family and friends! Then third trimester kicks in where you slowly ease into being a mother since the baby's obviously kicking you hard enough to constantly remind you that he's about to be born. I saw myself evolve while I was pregnant...I gave up my stilettos and wedges, clothes that hugged my body and my career as a trainer. I knew I needed to shift focus and D helped me ease into it.

"Lain na jud basta mommy na noh? Wala na'y freedom."
"Lahi na ang priority...wala na'y shopping2."
"Dili na ka ka-laag!"
"Kasayang sa trabaho nimo...sa balay na lang ka."

Yes, I have heard all of these and more! But in the end, I really don't regret resigning from my job (quite blessed that L is very supportive of me staying at home and being very hands-on with D), nor do I consider myself "trapped" because I don't get to go out anymore (D's godmother and I always have lunch dates every two weeks). Priorities do change, but that doesn't mean that I'm saddened about it. In fact, I welcome the change! I welcomed another part of me that I never thought I could actually do. Though I stay home to take care of my son, I am very blessed to have Yaya Wilma to take charge when I need to run errands or simply rest. It doesn't make me less of a mother that I'm not working in an office (being that I just take a few online classes on the side), it doesn't make me less of a mother that I have a nanny to help me (Yaya Wilma only came to us when D was 6 1/2 months), it doesn't make me less of a mother that I have prioritized him over the things that I usually do (isn't that evolution of being a woman?)...

A mother is a mother. No other labels will come out of that. It is a woman who had prepared herself for 9 months to become one. A little being grew inside her and she was tasked to take care and help him/her come out of the world. In the end, that's really just the point.

Having had the chance to meet so many moms...in the end, our babies are our life...everyone and everything else just comes in second.

My Breastfeeding Advocate Hubbie Part 2

This happens to be another experience that L shared about his advocacy for breastfeeding (yes, such a wonderful world that husbands are very vocal and supportive of such an advocacy!).

He had a customer this afternoon who was carrying her 8-month-old baby and she got her 3-year-old toddler to tag along when they were buying a motorcycle unit. Of course, heat was crazy so L told the mom to come inside the cool office so that it would make the baby feel less fussy. His staff were a little hesitant to approach the mom since she was breastfeeding her baby, L motioned the mom to sit down and he asked what unit they were looking for and all.

"Sir, okay lang ba na magpa-dede ko diri?" the mom asked.
"Okay lang ma'am. Wala'y problema na. Init pud kaayo sa gawas, basin ma-subawan ang mga bata especially ang baby, kasabot kaayo ko ana ma'am." L said respectfully, "Akong asawa man pud, gapa-dede man pud."

The mom simply smiled and L said that she felt more relaxed as she fed her baby and they were discussing about the unit that she wanted to purchase. After having purchased the unit, signed the contracts and she asked a couple of relatives to pick up the children (she was driving the motorcycle), she got onto the motorbike and left the store.

L's staff approached him and just smiled.

"Sir, dili man gud namo ma-istorya ug tarong kay gapa-dede man gud. Di mi katan-aw." one of his male staff said (probably felt a little uncomfortable breastfeeding in public).
"Sus, kung kamo gani magka-anak na pud...dili na issue na sa inyo." L said and looked at his female staff, "Kamo magka-baby, wala na'y ulaw2 kay ang pagpa-kalma sa bata ang inyong focus."
"Mao ka sir? Dili maulaw si ma'am na pa-dede sa mall?" his female staff asked.
"Ngano man pud siya maulaw? Libre na gani...maulaw pa?" L asked with a smirk, "Atong mga inahan kadtong una man gani...pa-dede lang habang manglaba, magluto ug uban pa..."

Ever since D was born, I've always breastfed him on demand and that's wherever we may be. L has been the most supportive husband by making sure that I have my sling so that my arms won't get as tired (especially when we're out and about). Kudos to the mom coz she got her baby and a toddler in tow!

Yes, moments like such make me a proud wife! You go L!

Postpartum Ride

Moms, from all corners of the world, will always remember the feeling after having given birth. Whether it's their first child or their last...I think it's imprinted in their minds what ride that they have gone through postpartum. Yes, we are all in agreement that it's not in any book or manual as to what will happen and what we go through after giving birth. We all have different situations and stories and we all have different approaches to it.

If you have read my post about my birth experience, you will know that I DID NOT like the fact that I gave birth via stat CS. I HATE (yes, I use such a word) it when people (especially random people) ask me as to why I gave birth via CS.

"Ngano ka na-CS? Diba nag-Lamaze2 pa mo ni Lau?"
"Hah? Ni-abot ka ug 10cm tapos CS gihapon? Kapuy uy!"
"Deretso CS na lang unta ka kung ingon ana ra diay ang nahitabo..."
"Dako siguro kaayo ang bata noh? Mao siguro na CS ka..."

Lau and I were blessed to have had taken childbirth preparation classes with Alex, we are more blessed that my parents gave us endless and priceless tips about Lamaze (being self-taught themselves), and yes, we are blessed that my labor only lasted for about half a day and I was still able to manage the pain...riding the waves and smiling all along. All of that was worth it.

We got home from the hospital on the 30th of July, three days after D was born. I'm very thankful that my Dad and sister (Jam) made all the effort of cleaning the house before we reached home to make sure that everything was all set for D. Our house happens to have three dogs so imagine the trafficking and dynamics! I was also trying to ride the breastfeeding wagon and hoped that it'd be easier than I've anticipated.

The first 24 hours at home was a whirlwind. My mind was a blank. I was, technically, on autopilot mode. I carried D when he cried and hush him back to sleep. Latching wasn't the problem...it was positioning because of my scar. So, football hold was something that I've mastered for the next two weeks. I had this notion that my Mum and Dad were able to do it all by themselves so I should be able to do it as well, right? WRONG! I was tired, I was physically tired having gone through a major abdominal surgery and still recovering. I wanted so much to do everything that a new mom should do, because it's what we expect of ourselves, right? Sure, in the ideal world...but this is the real world.

The first month was an autopilot life for me. Of course, I had expectations of myself that I didn't do and I was frustrated. I got mad at Lau for having the peace of mind in sleeping while I was engorged, in pain of my scar and still lost at what had happened in the DR/OR. Yes, if there's anything that kept on haunting me...it was the fact that I wanted to give birth as naturally and as normally as possible...and I didn't.

I remember calling Mum a few hours after giving birth. We were already in our room and I told Lau to sleep, the time was 3:45AM. I called Mum and the first thing that came out of my mouth was, "I'm sorry Mum, I tried. I really did..." and yes, I tried to stop the tears from falling. She assured me that everything was worth it as long as D is healthy. Unknown to me, my Dad already found out that I gave birth via CS. My anesthesiologist, Doc Jean, sent D's newborn pic to Dad at early morning (2AM). I called him up after Mum and said the very same thing, Dad simply wished that he would've been there given that he was at Maragusan.

I can't really explain in the right words the feeling that I had...not being able to give birth the way that I wanted. Maybe defeated? Probably disappointed? Could be angry? I was, for the first time in a long time, at a loss for words. I knew L wanted me to talk about it...but I too...I was disappointed at myself and angry at what had happened and I felt so defeated with the situation, maybe that would be the best explanation of it all. Yes, those were my postpartum blues...well, the bulk of it anyway.

I had such a fantastic support group behind me. L was very supportive especially while D and I were mastering breastfeeding (all the positions that would make us as comfortable as possible), Mum and Dad made sure that my diet helped in my milk production, close friends sent messages of encouragement and visited us...such positive thoughts and words really helped me get through what seems to be hell for me after giving birth. I was also very thankful that my OB assured me (endlessly) that I did all that I could in order to push D out as naturally and normally as possible...

It was small successes every single day that made me survive...it's as simple as being able to sleep 4 hours straight, the three of us. Or being able to eat a full meal without D crying...those small successes that factored in a good day...those were what I counted, and those were what made me smile and made me realize that I gotta just ride it out and it'll be all okay.

Do I wanna get pregnant and give birth again? Yes! It's all about riding the waves and enjoying the journey...pregnancy, motherhood...all of it is worth it.