Save, Pay and Invest

As I greeted 2014, I knew that I needed to up my ante on myself and give myself a challenge...three goals popped in my mind immediately: save, pay and invest.

SAVE. It's the one word that I've always eluded all the this time. It's easier said than done and everyone knows that. I've never been the best at saving and I knew that it was going to bite me in the ass sooner or later. And when D came into the picture, I knew that I needed to shift priorities. Well, I basically changed the way that I thought and really focused on family. So this time around, I'm putting my money where my mouth is...opening a trust for Damien and putting a portion of our earnings in savings.

PAY. Paying off all the "external" debts that we have. When I say external, I mean the credit card and loan. We still have "internal" debts towards my parents for taking us in and taking care of us all these years. But my ultimate goal is to pay off the external debts so that we can focus more on helping out with the household utilities and more savings as well.

INVEST. Not so sure yet as to where we'll be putting in our money but my view of this is taking over the payment of the life policies and pre-need policies that my parents got for L and I while we were still younger. We might be getting a policy for D as well.

I keep on reminiscing when I was still young and would play house while Mum and Dad were away on their trips and I would pretend to be the one in charge of the house and all...then I snap back to reality and realize that I am an adult and I will be in charge of the house soon after Mum and Dad have moved out and moved to their home on the foot of Mt. Apo...

As much as I would love to challenge myself more, these three goals will push me to be a smarter individual in the world of money. It will help us in making decisions for the family and it will also help us prepare for the future. Hey, D will start school in 2 years so we need to prepare for that as well, whether we decide to homeschool him or not...and the most usual question I'm being asked these days is, "When will you give D a sibling?" My answer so far, "We'll try late next year..." It's not cheap giving birth these days...let alone raise a child.

Fingers crossed as I start my journey to achieve these three goals...

julie

A Different Normal

Now that the big bash has ended, a different kind of normal has set in. Not only do I have a toddler who scurries and is almost at the brink of running after our Chinese Sharpei, Sparkle, I have fully committed myself to my online teaching and planning to get more students in the coming months (well, I'm still easing into the idea anyway).

I looked at myself in the mirror and finally noticed my naturally wavy hair which hasn't been treated (rebond) for the past four years (WOW!), I noticed my eyebrows screaming for another session of threading, I noticed my face yearning for its usual facial treatment, I noticed my teeth that are asking for another scary and potentially annoying session with our dentist...alas, I finally noticed myself! Well, looks like I need a major overhaul! Hahaha...I could have laughed at myself but then again, I was kinda right.

Look, before I got pregnant...I made it a point to really dress up and look at the part of a communications trainer back in the corporate world. I loved it. I love dressing up and working the corridors with my "clacking" heels, yes...they were painful but I felt good. Everything, and I mean everything, changed as soon as I found out I was pregnant. It took awhile for me to really keep all my heels but when L noticed that I was wearing them while sitting down (HAHAHA!), he himself stowed them away where I could not reach them. My corporate attire rested for about a year before I was able to fit in them again but I opted for a more relaxed kind of wardrobe since I was still in my post-pregnancy body.

I'm now embracing a different kind of normal. It's when I wake up in the morning not because I woke up by myself but because D is waking me up and I look at the clock and it's 5:30...yes, I have my personal alarm clock and he's as cute as a button. We have already a schedule all set up, I have classes in the afternoon but I still make it a point for him to socialize with his playgroup once a week. I also find time to pump milk at least three times a day for his personal stash...anything that is more than what I usually pump is donated. Also, I spend as much time on the floor playing with him. There's nothing more in the world that I want to do.

When it's time for class, I make it a point to still have at least 15% of my brain on D...although Yaya Wilma has complete eyes on him, I still sneak in a peek whenever I have the time. My Skype profile picture is him so naturally my students will always ask about how he is and all. I'm so blessed and thankful to have this online gig since it gives me the best of both worlds, I can still do what I love and be at home with D.

For the next few days, my personal assignment is to SLOWLY (emphasizing as it will take a long time) arrange my accessories in my dresser. I noticed my dresser and our closets (his-and-her) and they're not exactly up to my standards of OC-ness, hahaha! I know that it's going to take some time since I juggle a lot on my plate but I am quite happy that I am slowly easing into motherhood. Yes, you might find it strange that I've only just eased into it. It's not easy having a baby...but now that D is a toddler and is beginning to realize that he is a being on his own, I can actually have some time for myself and remember that I am a being too.

Although it can take me months to be able to book a salon appointment to have my hair done, or weeks before I can head to my facialist for my treatment...it's only because I am still adjusting to motherhood. It's never easy leaving D behind, even though I have already left a stash for him and made sure to have explained to him where I am going. It is me who is feeling the anxiety because there is a certain guilt of wanting to spend some time alone when my baby needs me...but now that he'd a toddler, I can fully understand why it took so long, it's because I needed to feel comfortable enough as a mother to be able to leave him and know that he can fend for himself. He knows when he's hungry and can give cues to his nanny, though I am at his beck and call...he knows that if I need to have time for myself, he doesn't get mad. It took me a long time to be able to get it...but now, I finally have.

I'm not so sure if I fully make sense in this post but I am smiling but I can slowly plan things for myself and L. I can call for a movie date and not worry too much. I can book a salon appointment and know that D will be fine. I can head on to my facialist and pamper myself. And I can come home knowing that D is waiting for me with the biggest smile and open arms...heck, a few tiny steps with it as well!

The evolution of normal will always have its stages. I'm glad to see myself in a different stage...in a different normal.

First Mother's Day

As this is my first Mother's Day celebration, L asked me a question that he's been asking me ever since I became pregnant, "What do you want for that special day?" Whether it be Christmas, our wedding anniversary, my birthday or Mother's Day...I'm still stumped, speechless and at a loss for words. I'm not so sure what I want...then I started thinking about a couple of new designs from GroVia or the Skip Hop bags that would look perfect on D instead of his usual diaper bag or go over the list of things that we need for D's first birthday...wait a sec, didn't he ask what I wanted for that special day? How come I couldn't think of MY wants and instead think of D's wants instead...right, I'm a mom.

Ever since I became pregnant, everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) has shifted to D. I was lucky enough to be able to enjoy perks of being single and think of no one else but me, then L and I decided to get married and we were still lucky to be able to travel to KL and SG before we got pregnant...I had a closet full (and I mean full!) of clothes and shoes...not to mention purses and bags (I even forgot that I had more bags and purses that I stashed in my sister's closet!). How quickly has my focused changed to this one little human being is beyond me...but I don't regret it nor do I miss my former self at all.

This evolution of myself has been gradual, I believe. And I think that's the beauty of being pregnant! The first trimester tells you that you are carrying someone...but it doesn't make you look like it, just feel like it (morning sickness, tummy aches). The second trimester slowly comes in and you look too full to not be pregnant but look like you ate a melon to be pregnant, I call it the ugly side since you're in the middle of the cycle! You still get to enjoy your time with your husband, family and friends! Then third trimester kicks in where you slowly ease into being a mother since the baby's obviously kicking you hard enough to constantly remind you that he's about to be born. I saw myself evolve while I was pregnant...I gave up my stilettos and wedges, clothes that hugged my body and my career as a trainer. I knew I needed to shift focus and D helped me ease into it.

"Lain na jud basta mommy na noh? Wala na'y freedom."
"Lahi na ang priority...wala na'y shopping2."
"Dili na ka ka-laag!"
"Kasayang sa trabaho nimo...sa balay na lang ka."

Yes, I have heard all of these and more! But in the end, I really don't regret resigning from my job (quite blessed that L is very supportive of me staying at home and being very hands-on with D), nor do I consider myself "trapped" because I don't get to go out anymore (D's godmother and I always have lunch dates every two weeks). Priorities do change, but that doesn't mean that I'm saddened about it. In fact, I welcome the change! I welcomed another part of me that I never thought I could actually do. Though I stay home to take care of my son, I am very blessed to have Yaya Wilma to take charge when I need to run errands or simply rest. It doesn't make me less of a mother that I'm not working in an office (being that I just take a few online classes on the side), it doesn't make me less of a mother that I have a nanny to help me (Yaya Wilma only came to us when D was 6 1/2 months), it doesn't make me less of a mother that I have prioritized him over the things that I usually do (isn't that evolution of being a woman?)...

A mother is a mother. No other labels will come out of that. It is a woman who had prepared herself for 9 months to become one. A little being grew inside her and she was tasked to take care and help him/her come out of the world. In the end, that's really just the point.

Having had the chance to meet so many moms...in the end, our babies are our life...everyone and everything else just comes in second.

Postpartum Ride

Moms, from all corners of the world, will always remember the feeling after having given birth. Whether it's their first child or their last...I think it's imprinted in their minds what ride that they have gone through postpartum. Yes, we are all in agreement that it's not in any book or manual as to what will happen and what we go through after giving birth. We all have different situations and stories and we all have different approaches to it.

If you have read my post about my birth experience, you will know that I DID NOT like the fact that I gave birth via stat CS. I HATE (yes, I use such a word) it when people (especially random people) ask me as to why I gave birth via CS.

"Ngano ka na-CS? Diba nag-Lamaze2 pa mo ni Lau?"
"Hah? Ni-abot ka ug 10cm tapos CS gihapon? Kapuy uy!"
"Deretso CS na lang unta ka kung ingon ana ra diay ang nahitabo..."
"Dako siguro kaayo ang bata noh? Mao siguro na CS ka..."

Lau and I were blessed to have had taken childbirth preparation classes with Alex, we are more blessed that my parents gave us endless and priceless tips about Lamaze (being self-taught themselves), and yes, we are blessed that my labor only lasted for about half a day and I was still able to manage the pain...riding the waves and smiling all along. All of that was worth it.

We got home from the hospital on the 30th of July, three days after D was born. I'm very thankful that my Dad and sister (Jam) made all the effort of cleaning the house before we reached home to make sure that everything was all set for D. Our house happens to have three dogs so imagine the trafficking and dynamics! I was also trying to ride the breastfeeding wagon and hoped that it'd be easier than I've anticipated.

The first 24 hours at home was a whirlwind. My mind was a blank. I was, technically, on autopilot mode. I carried D when he cried and hush him back to sleep. Latching wasn't the problem...it was positioning because of my scar. So, football hold was something that I've mastered for the next two weeks. I had this notion that my Mum and Dad were able to do it all by themselves so I should be able to do it as well, right? WRONG! I was tired, I was physically tired having gone through a major abdominal surgery and still recovering. I wanted so much to do everything that a new mom should do, because it's what we expect of ourselves, right? Sure, in the ideal world...but this is the real world.

The first month was an autopilot life for me. Of course, I had expectations of myself that I didn't do and I was frustrated. I got mad at Lau for having the peace of mind in sleeping while I was engorged, in pain of my scar and still lost at what had happened in the DR/OR. Yes, if there's anything that kept on haunting me...it was the fact that I wanted to give birth as naturally and as normally as possible...and I didn't.

I remember calling Mum a few hours after giving birth. We were already in our room and I told Lau to sleep, the time was 3:45AM. I called Mum and the first thing that came out of my mouth was, "I'm sorry Mum, I tried. I really did..." and yes, I tried to stop the tears from falling. She assured me that everything was worth it as long as D is healthy. Unknown to me, my Dad already found out that I gave birth via CS. My anesthesiologist, Doc Jean, sent D's newborn pic to Dad at early morning (2AM). I called him up after Mum and said the very same thing, Dad simply wished that he would've been there given that he was at Maragusan.

I can't really explain in the right words the feeling that I had...not being able to give birth the way that I wanted. Maybe defeated? Probably disappointed? Could be angry? I was, for the first time in a long time, at a loss for words. I knew L wanted me to talk about it...but I too...I was disappointed at myself and angry at what had happened and I felt so defeated with the situation, maybe that would be the best explanation of it all. Yes, those were my postpartum blues...well, the bulk of it anyway.

I had such a fantastic support group behind me. L was very supportive especially while D and I were mastering breastfeeding (all the positions that would make us as comfortable as possible), Mum and Dad made sure that my diet helped in my milk production, close friends sent messages of encouragement and visited us...such positive thoughts and words really helped me get through what seems to be hell for me after giving birth. I was also very thankful that my OB assured me (endlessly) that I did all that I could in order to push D out as naturally and normally as possible...

It was small successes every single day that made me survive...it's as simple as being able to sleep 4 hours straight, the three of us. Or being able to eat a full meal without D crying...those small successes that factored in a good day...those were what I counted, and those were what made me smile and made me realize that I gotta just ride it out and it'll be all okay.

Do I wanna get pregnant and give birth again? Yes! It's all about riding the waves and enjoying the journey...pregnancy, motherhood...all of it is worth it.

Getting Back To My (Dancing) Roots

I've been dancing ever since I could remember...of course, little girls start out with ballet and yes, I fell in love with ballet. I was in awe with the way the dancers would carry themselves in pointes and they look so beautiful in their tutu costumes! I just stared at them and smiled...imagining that I would be, one day, dancing and looking as graceful as they do. I remember this one conversation I had with one of the dancers in pointes...

"Hi..." I said shyly behind the curtain.
"Hi...ganda naman ng ballet shoes mo." the girl said and smiled at me.
"Thank you po." I replied and looked at her retying her pointes and I couldn't help myself, I touched her tutu skirt, "Nice, so pretty."
"Thank you too. Don't worry, you will wear this one soon." she said as she motioned me to come closer to her, "It's okay, it's actually heavy." she said and jumped lightly as I saw the tutu skirt closer.
"Really? But you look so great...I can't even split yet." I said (yes, I was that desperate to do the split at 3 1/2 years old!)
"You will..." she said and winked at me.

True enough, three weeks later...I was able to do my first split! Whoa...it doesn't feel comfortable at all! And trust me, I felt like the stick that my teacher kept on pounding on the wooden dance floor is right between my legs! Ugh! But I felt so happy and felt like I made my first accomplishment...the split!

After that...I never looked back and continued on to dancing. Ballet has always been my foundation and boy, did I fall in love with it. I memorized The Swan Lake music even before I learned the multiplication table!

Having been born different, I was able to make the stage my home. I loved the lights and no, I wasn't born with stage fright...instead, I felt happy. I was just being myself and it was the best feeling in the world.

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew that I wasn't at my best in terms of body strength so in order to prep me for the possible long hours of labor...I got back to my belly dancing days mixed with a little bit of Polynesian movements. I love the hip movements of belly since it soothed my backaches during my third trimester...and it also strengthened my core muscles because of the isolation movements. The Polynesian mix was just to help me relax and feel okay while dealing with Braxton Hicks'.

True enough, D loves to listen to different types of music and sounds. This time...we're practicing our routine for a session and he's swaying his arms and kicking his legs like crazy! I hope he gets my passion for dance and movement as well.

Going back to my roots has taught me that even though it's been awhile since I've put on my dancing shoes...when I do put it back on, it's like being a kid all over again, on the stage...just me and the music.

Learning A New Skill

I love learning new skills! If it's anything that I wanna do, it's adding more skills in my arsenal and then get to use them anytime!

I found a page on Facebook offering a Balloon 101 Workshop, D.I.Y. (Do It Yourself) Party Balloons and Party Supplies. I jumped (literally) out of my chair and carried my laptop to my Mum and told her about it. I was so game because it would come in handy for D's first birthday! Hello, I get to actually decorate my own son's birthday...how cool and fun would that be?!

I suddenly had this flood of ideas as to how the set-up was going to be and how the stage is going to look like, and yes that includes the backdrop and centerpieces. I felt like a migraine was coming pretty soon but good thing my Mum slowed me down and giggled. I asked my Dad if he could help me finance the registration (it's P3000) and he agreed that we split it 50/50. Whew!

L was giggling and was really happy when I told him about it during lunch. It's probably not a surprise to him that I'm all giddy with the party planning...up to the tiniest details! Again, that's my ever-supportive hubby!

If you guys wanna join me in the workshop, just head on to their Facebook page and check out the details!

Looking and Being Different

Most people who know me don't really know what goes on in my brain, unless you've been with my crazy self for more than half of my life. So let me take you to my journey as someone who has been on the side of not only looking different but also being different.

I was born with a congenital defect, it's pretty obvious when you look at me long enough...I am a cleft, both lip and palate. No, don't believe those myths that my Mum slid and fell while she was pregnant and all that because our family can prove that that's all crap (pardon). Mum was at her healthiest and fittest when she was pregnant with me. She slid and fell while she was pregnant with both Paul (older bro) and Jam (younger sis), and they were born without any facial congenital defects.

I've always been very expressive of my feelings. When I feel lonely, you'd know...when I feel happy, you'd know...when I feel sick, you'd know...so my face is a dead giveaway of what I'm feeling (especially my eyes). And I always remember my Mum and Dad reminding me that I'm special, that I've got something special in me to show everyone. I didn't really get that...I just knew that I was special in their eyes.

Then came school...yes, the one place that taught me how to deal with real life. I grew up in the realm of the Jesuit way (you can guess by this time which alma mater I came from). Kindergarten was the best years of my childhood! I had teachers who showered us with compliments, classmates whom you were friends with, nannies whom you trusted your life with. A little segway here, I demanded that my nanny be right outside the classroom door for a whole week during my first days in school since I was SCARED TO DEATH that I would go home by myself! So needless to say, I grew up with my nanny by my side until my high school years!

Did bullies exist? OH YES! They did exist and in many different forms too! There were those bullies who would outright point and laugh at you, reminding you that you look different. There were those bullies who just randomly pick on people (whether they look different or not) to make their lives miserable for that one moment. Then, there were those bullies who just targeted YOU and only YOU. Their world revolved around YOU. That was me a year in high school.

What I love about the world that I have is that...school is so different of a world that as soon as I get home, I'm at peace. I don't care about what other people say...I'm in my zen place, my abode, my zone. I guess that's why we're such a tight-knit family and that we share a lot of our thoughts and ideas so openly because my parents made sure that our home is our cocoon, our sanctuary, and that we're safest there. My closest best friends in school know me so well and they know my dreams and ambitions...of course, I have to show a different side to acquaintances and classmates.

How did I go about life looking and being different? Well, it's something that I got used to. Being stared at, no biggie. People stopping in their tracks and pointing at me...I could care less. Why? Well, because I knew who I was. I knew what I wanted and I knew myself well enough. I love to dance, I love to perform, I love to watch movies, I love to eat pasta, I love pretty things, I love crafts, I love it when people smile at me and compliment me (whether small or big)...that was all that mattered to me. I have Mum and Dad...they're my biggest fans!

College was a different story...because of my experiences in high school, I learned the art of putting a HUGE and MASSIVE wall that would block people from actually getting to know me. I was snobbish, I was strict, I was closed...hardly anyone would dare speak to me when I would enter a classroom and I could always intimidate them with the way I talked. If there's anything that I am really good at, it's expressing my opinion through speaking and writing. A few people "dared" to befriend me and true in form, they became great friends of mine. Heck, I met my husband back in college! But I knew that I was a completely different person in college...I transformed myself into someone who knew how to do a very nasty and sarcastic comeback from an ignorant classmate.

"Classmate, gwapa unta ka...kung dili lang ka bungi." said a classmate.
"Mao ka?" I replied, looking at her with the purest sarcastic sneer, "At least puwede pa nako ni mapa-surgery...imong dagway, unsaon na lang na? Dili gud ka bungi...dili pa jud gwapa!"

I know...I shouldn't have stooped to her level but she was asking for it. After that, everyone (and I mean everyone in our department, heck the whole campus!) knew the attitude that I had. They were scared. But to me, and to my friends, I wouldn't have said that if she wasn't being tactless. Seriously...what would you have said?

After four major operations to repair my palate...the only thing left is the facial reconstruction to make me look as if I wasn't born with a cleft lip and palate. Why didn't I have it? Well, I spoke well. Heck, I was an English teacher to Koreans and I was a soft skills and communications trainer...I'm sure that I speak well. I don't need to blend in and look just like everybody else. Besides, I'd rather focus on my D who now has so many syllables in his vocabulary that I'm catching up every single day!

My parents taught me how to be strong. I grew up to be stronger. Looking and actually being different has always been something that I consider a positive for me...and that's exactly how I'm going to teach D as well.

A New Role

The last time that I wrote my thoughts in paper was last year...I was still in my second trimester of pregnancy and working an average of 10 hours a day.

Now, I have a very active and happy 8-month-old bubba who is the center of my life! Oh how things have definitely changed and I can't be any more grateful!

It's still a long way for me and Laurence since we're still adjusting to being new parents (yes, until now!)...hopefully, I can get back to writing (in this case, typing) my thoughts and perspectives. This time, it seems that it's gonna be all about parenthood, marriage and being a mom!