Think About It

I'm at a crossroad right now...

I've always wanted to be a hands-on mom, like hands-on to a point that I stay home and make sure that I see every single milestone that D will go through. Then again, I look back and see how my life was before I became a mother, I was part of the corporate world and loved being there as well.

Now that D is a toddler, I've always told myself that I might seriously consider going back to work as long as I can handle the pressure and that L and I have thoroughly talked about it.

Right after our usual weekly playgroup this morning, I had lunch with a very good friend of mine from my previous office and she also happens to be D's godmother. She also asked me to be the godmother of her youngest son's confirmation and of course, I obliged with a huge smile. She updated me with the happenings in the office and how much it has changed and how many have come and gone. Then, right there...I can still vividly remember how fun the office was. It was a family and I miss it every single day.

She told me that because of the recent changes of the line-up in the office...some people have decided to leave and some are about to leave. Of course, there are new faces and that's also great and refreshing. Then I asked her, "Do you need me there?" And with her usual expression in her eyes, "Yes...but think about it..."

Ah yes...think about it...

I cannot quite grasp the idea of me about to leave for work everyday when I know that I'm leaving D. I trust Yaya W completely, don't get me wrong, but I've always wanted to be a hands-on mom. I've always wanted to see every single milestone that he'll go through. I wanna be the one who will teach him all the firsts in the world. I'm relinquishing that...and I'm not sure if I can fathom the idea, just yet.

I know that this is going to be a long process of thinking and weighing the pros and cons. I listed down the first few comparisons that came into mind and everything that was under CON was about D. Am I wrong for wanting to be with my son? Am I wrong for wanting to go back to work? Where am I supposed to put myself in this situation? I'm confused because I'm battling with my own reasons even though the world around me is telling me that it'll be all right.

This is battle between the mother in me and the wife in me...mother because I want to take of D and be there for everything that he will go through, wife because I know that we can work together better if we both are employed and we can actually save more and have a fund set for D.

I don't know...I'm still lost...

I have until the end of the year to really think about this carefully...I just hope that whatever I decide, I will be happy about it. I know that my family will be supportive of whatever choice I make...I just need to be sure that I AM okay with the decision.